>Ok, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the ultimate love holiday, right? Well guess who woke up this morning and forgot it was Valentine’s Day. I mean it’s not like I’ve not been hitting MySpace friends with my little ditty (see below). But seriously, I woke up and stumbled my way to the eye doctor and then on to work. So why would a romance writer forget the holiest of days in romance?
Quite frankly, I didn’t feel like celebrating love! I was more interested in my little self-pity party. I don’t know why I invited myself to the party. Nothing bad has happened to me personally, in fact a couple of nice things have come my way in the recent weeks. And yet, I’ve been bluer than blue for more than a week now. That’s what bipolarism does to you. Normal people just feel a little blue, people with bipolar disorder feel like the world is going to end, and they have no way to keep the asteroid from hitting earth. It’s the ultimate sensation of no control, no power over anything in your life. It can be really debilitating.
I hit deepest low spot Wednesday about mid-day. I blew up at my boss (NOT a good thing), I wanted to scream like a banshee at my desk (primeval screaming is something I should try), and it was impossible to find a sword to take off the heads of people who generally just annoy me most other times. That’s the horrible thing about bipolarism. You have no control over what the chemical imbalance will do to your emotions. Then something broke. It wasn’t some epiphany or anything like, but sometime told me I’d reached the lowest of the lows. Then minute by agonizing minute, I was climbing out of the snake pit. (Could it be because I watched the Indiana Jones movie trailer…NOT)
So what does my little pity party have to do about writing? Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve sunk into this low of a valley. I’ve been worried, stress and depressed over the past year, but throughout this terrible, bleak existence I’ve been living over the past few weeks, I’ve had one thing to keep me going. While I love my family there are just some things they can’t provide me with. True fulfillment comes from within, which is something only my writing can offer, and I HAVE written. Not for extended periods of time in one sitting, but daily.
And THAT my friends is the point of this post. It’s a MAJOR accomplishment, triumph actually, that I’ve continued to write over the past several months. I’ve managed to keep on writing even though I didn’t feel like I had the strength to do so. I wanted just to put the pen aside and forget I ever thought about being published. And yet, I’ve written every single damn day, and it’s been my lifeline. I’ve clung to that line, and all the while I kept asking myself “so tell me again why is it exactly that you write, Monica?
The only answer I had was this…”Because I can’t live without writing.”
I just can’t.
Do I want the limelight, the ability to write full-time without feeling drained at night from a full-time day job, to stop feeling like I’m burning the candles at both ends. Absolutely, but here’s where the rubber meets the road. Even if I don’t become as successful as I’d like, I still can’t live without writing. It’s a lifeline no amount of meds or counseling could equate too. Yesterday I touched the door of hell, but my writing pulled me out of the murky depths just in time. There truly is a God, because only a Creator would see the benefit of blessing me with a curse and a gift in the same breath. A gift to rejoice in and the curse to keep me humble. Ahhh…I’m a Libra, does anyone see the irony in that statement?
So what do you see your writing doing for you? Is it a lifeline, the air you breathe, manna from heaven? This bipolar mind wants to know how normal people feel about the topic.
Monica <--glad to be back in the land of the normal.P.S. Congratulations to Anne Cain, my wonderful cover artist!! She won the ARI over at The Romance Studio for Best Cover, which just happens to be the cover of Mirage!!! Congrats to a great artist and truly lovely woman!